Fear Is The Heart of Love

"You should skip this mission," Dean said as he stepped through the beads leading into Cas's room.  He was surprised he didn't walk into the middle of an orgy, but that's not to say he wasn't relieved he didn't.

Cas looked up at him from his bed with his little half smile, but Dean could see he wasn't stoned, for once.  His blue eyes were more clear than he'd seen them since this whole damn apocalypse had started.

"We both know I'm going to go with you, Dean," Cas said with the all-too familiar tilt of the head.

"Goddamit Cas!" Dean said, turning and slamming his fist into the thin wall in a rare exhibit of anger.  "Just fucking stay here!"

Cas blinked owlishly at him, unaffected by Dean after seeing every possible emotion on the hunter's face.  "If I didn't know any better, I would think you were the other Dean," he remarked dryly.

Dean scowled at him.  "I couldn't be him, I'm not that weak."

"You are.  You just hide it behind a better mask."

Dean's scowl deepened.  "Whatever Cas, just promise me you'll stay here."

Cas was silent for a moment and Dean smirked, sure he'd won.  But then Cas said "I'm going."

Dean ran a hand through his hair.  "Cas… If you go, you'll die.  You're all going to die."

Cas narrowed his eyes.  "Do you think I am under any illusions about this mission, Dean?  Because I am not.  I am completely aware that this is my last night on earth.  As I am also aware that this is your last night on earth as well.  I know more than you give me credit for Dean, I know that you intend for tomorrow to be a suicide mission."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Dean growled, getting into Cas's face, but Cas didn't flinch, just met his eyes.  Then he smiled.

"I know you better than anyone, Dean.  If you succeed tomorrow in killing Lucifer, Sam will die as well.  I know you will not want to live after that."

"Don't say his name," Dean whispered, vehemence gone from his voice.

"I'm sorry.  But we both know it's true."

"Then why are you going?  If you know all this why would you go tomorrow?"

The little half smile returned and Cas shrugged.  "Since the apocalypse began my only purpose has been to follow you wherever you go.  If you are to go to your death tomorrow, then I will follow you to my death as well."

Dean sat beside the ex-angel, feeling more defeated then he had in his entire life.  "Goddamnit, Cas, when did you get more fucked up and codependent  than me?" he asked softly.  "You're all I got left Cas.  I mean, Sam and Bobby…" he trailed off, not wanting to think about those things.  He steeled his resolve and continued, "I don't want you to go die because you have some sort of fucked up sense of obligation towards me, or whatever."

Cas rolled his eyes.  "Dean, you are the one who gave me life.  I was just a hammer, as you called me when we met, until you taught me everything, freedom, love, hurt, things I never knew but so eager to learn.  Without you, I don't have a purpose."

"I could leave you here.  I could knock you out right now, lock you down and leave with out you in the morning," Dean said as a last ditch effort.

"If you do that I will shoot myself in the head when I am freed.  Nothing will sway me on this, Dean, I made this decision a long time ago."

Dean had been looking at the floor but his head snapped up at those words.  "How long?"

Cas looked at him solemnly.  "Since Sam said yes to Lucifer."

"You knew things would go down like this for that long?"

"I didn't know.  But I suspected."

Dean was silent as he digested this information.  "And you stuck with me anyway," he muttered.  He gazed into Cas's impossibly blue eyes, searching.  "Cas, are you in love with me?"

Cas didn't seem surprised by the question.  "Yes, Dean, I am."

Dean nodded.  "Yeah, I kinda thought you were."  He crossed the small distance between them, he'd long since given up his quest for personal space, and softly pressed his lips against Cas's.  Cas let him for a moment before pulling away.

"Dean…"

"What?  Last night on earth, right?  Why not?"

"Because I have long since accepted that you will never feel about me the way I feel about you.  I would very much like to throw you down on this bed and have you in ways that would leave you unable to go on your mission tomorrow, but I know you do not truly want me.  Your martyr tendencies are telling you to give me this, but I don't want pity sex."

Dean straightened up, pulling completely away from Cas.  "I'm sorry.  You're right," he said.  He took a deep breath and stood, heading for the bead curtain that served as a door.  He stopped as he reached it, turning to look at the ex-angel.  "I don't say this much.  Barely ever said it to my dad or even Sammy, but… I love you Cas.  And I'm sorry it can't be the way you want me to love you, in the way you deserve to be loved… But I think it's important that you know that."

Cas smiled that half smile that told Dean he already knew.  "Thank you Dean."

"Yeah.  So…" Dean licked his lips.  "I guess this is goodbye.  I'm damn glad you're the angel I got stuck with," he said with his first genuine smile in years.  Before Cas could respond he ducked out.

Cas sat on the bed, staring after Dean.  Only when he was sure the hunter was gone did he bring two fingers up, gently placing them on his lips.  "Goodbye," he whispered to no one.