Calling All You Angels

It had been three months since Sammy had died.  At least, that's the way Dean preferred to think about it.  He couldn't face the fact that his brother was trapped down in Lucifer's Cage.  Dean knew a thing or two about being trapped, he'd served his time on the rack in hell after all.  So when he thought about Sammy he'd pretend he was dead.  He'd be better off.

"Maybe I would be too," Dean mumbled to himself before taking another swig from the bottle of vodka he'd been working on for the last half hour.  He winced at the taste, vodka had never been his drink of choice but it was hard and that's what he needed.

Dean ran his fingers along the painter's cloth covering his precious car.  Right now it should be parked outside a cheap motel room instead of quietly rusting away in Lisa's garage.  He couldn't think of it as his garage just yet, not now, maybe not ever.

He took another long drink from the bottle and shifted his weight on the hood, feeling the car creak beneath him.  He and Sam should be tracking something that goes bump in the night right now, or conferencing with Bobby, or hell, buying Castiel a cheeseburger.

Castiel.

Castiel was a sore spot almost as big as Sammy, save the fact that he's still alive.  At least Dean assumes he's alive.  Dean let a sad smile play across his face.  Of course the angel was alive, he'd probably died more times than Dean ever had and he just kept coming back for more.  But Dean didn't expect a Christmas card.

He missed the angel.  They'd had something Dean hadn't completely understood.  Dean rubbed his shoulder, his fingers tracing the handprint seared into his shoulder.  From the moment Castiel had pulled the hunter out of hell they'd been connected on levels that Dean didn't even feel with Sammy.

Dean had resisted at first.  Castiel was another man and Dean Winchester was not, nor will he ever be gay.  But like the saying goes every rule has an exception.  And Castiel was that exception.  What they had had was beautiful and Dean was both in love and loved in return for maybe the first time in his life.  

But then the final showdown had happened.  Castiel had been killed and resurrected before Dean even had time to mourn, and then was gone just as fast.  Dean had expected Castiel to come to him, at least to see how he was coping.  But all Dean had was radio silence.

His brother was gone.  His angel was gone.

Dean still had one thing left.  A trunk full of weapons.

He hated what it would do to Lisa and Ben.  He'd only been living with them for three months but he new Ben was already beginning to see him as the father he'd never had, and Dean knew a thing or two about absentee fathers.  And if he checked out like this, he'd be the ultimate example.  

But he couldn't do this anymore.  They would get over it, he knew.  In the long run this was probably the best option for them anyway.  He'd always be a broken man and no family needed that.

He'd be better off too.  From his last stint in heaven he knew it was a good place.  Most of the people he loved were there, his parents, Ellen, Jo, hell even Ash.  Sammy wasn't, but maybe after the literal hell he'd gone through for the people in charge they'd find a way to make him think he was.

Dean stood up, grabbing the hood of the Impala to keep from hitting the ground.  The bottle in his hand clanged against the car, and with a look of dismay Dean realized it was empty.  He sat the empty bottle on its side on the floor and kicked it so it rolled under a shelf.

Dean grabbed the tarp covering his car and yanked it off, nearly falling on his ass in the process.  She gleamed like she did when she was brand new, and Dean should know, he'd seen her then.  Dean went around to the back, fishing his keys out of his pocket as he went.  He popped the trunk, lifted the false bottom and looked at his beautiful collection of weapons, thinking about all the memories he held of killing monsters with Sammy by his side.

He let his fingers slide across all the different guns and knives, stopping on a black 9mm Glock, his favorite handgun.  He popped the clip out.  It was full, but that was unnecessary.

Dean Winchester only needed one bullet.

He slammed the trunk shut and admired the sleek car for a moment.  When he was young he'd spent many nights curled around his brother in the back while his father had driven them to the next nameless small town.  When he was older, when it was just him and Sammy, he'd always sleep with one eye open, making sure Sam didn't wreck his baby.

He'd had sex with Castiel for the first time in the backseat of that car.

Dean shook his head, not wanting to relive all his memories.  From his last experience he knew he'd have plenty of time to do that when he reached his final destination.  But that was definitely one he'd want to relive.

Dean sat back down on the hood of his car.  He hoped Lisa would be the one to find him, he didn't want Ben to see him the way Dean knew he would look.  He wasn't going to leave a note.  He didn't have to, Lisa would know why.  

Dean made sure the safety was off and placed the gun under his chin.  He closed his eyes and was surprised to feel a tear run down his face.  His finger found the trigger…

"Dean, stop," said a voice whose mere proximity caused Dean's heart to skip a beat.  He opened his eyes and lowered the gun.  His voice broke on the next word he uttered.

"Cas?"

"Dean, what the hell are you doing?"  Castiel was furious, angrier then he had ever been with Dean, even angrier than the day he'd beat the hell out of him in an alley.  Before Dean could move or speak Castiel had snatched the gun from Dean's limp hand, popping the clip out and throwing them both to the floor.

"Cas, is that really you or did I pull the trigger back there?  Am I in heaven now?" Dean asked hopefully.

Castiel grabbed Dean roughly by the collar, dragging him to his feet and then slamming him into the garage wall.  "Are you so full of self-loathing that you think I would stand by and let you kill yourself?  No, you are not in heaven."

"I didn't think you'd care," Dean replied honestly.  Castiel's jaw dropped, and then his mouth moved like he was trying to form words he couldn't think of.  He let go of Dean and took a few steps back, running a hand through his hair.

"Dean…How could you possibly think that?" he asked softly.

"It's been three months Cas.  My brother died three months ago and you just vanished.  How could I not?" Dean replied, hating the way his voice showed that he was close to tears.

"Dean, you have to understand, I wanted to come to you.  But things with my brothers and sisters…I'm so sorry Dean.  You needed me and I wasn't here, and there is no excuse for that."  Castiel stared into Dean's eyes, searching, and Dean stared back.

"How did you know?  To come here.  How did you know I was going to kill myself?"

"Dean…" Castiel said, pulling the broken man into his arms.  "The amount of self-loathing you possess never ceases to fascinate me.  I may have been gone these past three months but I have been keeping an eye on you.  I knew this would happen, and I care about you far too much to just let you die like this…" Castiel stopped talking when he realized Dean had begun to sob.

It worried him greatly to see Dean like this.  Dean was the strongest person he'd ever met, but everyone has their breaking points.  Dean seemed to have reached his years ago, and simply charged past it.

But now the angel sank to the floor, holding the love of his many lifetimes, who was now broken beyond any repair.  He'd endured more than any one person should have to endure.

The angel held Dean for a long time, until his sobs had quieted and then he held him still.

"Cas?"  Dean whispered.

"Yes Dean?"

"Please.  Don't leave me again.  I can't survive someone leaving me again.  So just please don't leave me."

Castiel knew it took a lot for Dean to sound as pleading as he had right then.  He also knew that before Dean had even said those words out loud he knew he'd never be able to join the long list of people who had abandoned the hunter.  Not again.  Castiel kissed the top of Dean's head.

"I love you Dean.  And I promise I'll never leave you."